There are many posts and blogs about writing giving tips and suggestions. I always like to read them because I’m always open to new ideas. For me the number one rule is to make it interesting in some way, not that I always do but I am optimistic. I still don’t get the tumblr. set up but I like  it because I can write what I want and very few people will read it. Tumblr. is great to vent about Twitter on and I’ll do it a few more times I’m sure. I do like Twitter and writing tweets brings me joy because I can create something. If I only tweeted other people’s tweets or old jokes I wouldn’t care for it. I live mostly in my own head when it comes to writing, I rarely respond to @’s and never converse more than a sentence or two. There are many that I really like and they have made Twitter fun for me. I have gone through different phases, you have to learn the ropes with any task you entertain. I was really loose with the stars for a while and didn’t really pay attention to my followers and what they were tweeting, I could have been more aware of things. I am honoring my time better these days, I won’t spend hours starring tweets, I have a family that loves me and cherishes my time spent with them. I had to stop lying to myself about how obsessed I was over all things Twitter and favstar, I was being selfish and justifying it with I’m being creative, I must create. I was days away from creating an empty house because my family felt abandoned. This isn’t easy to admit but the truth doesn’t come with a spoonful of sugar. Fortunately I have a wife that doesn’t quit on something she believes in, I am forever grateful for that.

My right hand man..

mrfornicator:

One way to do it is to be clever and original. However, it can be extremely difficult to do that consistently on a daily basis. With that in mind, this is a step by step guide on how to reword other people’s jokes to gain that popularity and funny man label you covet so badly.

The first thing you…

If you seek out the new and improved and extra strength you are playing into their hands. It’s simple to see and joke about it but that isn’t really the point. I have migraine headaches and the best over the counter pill for this for me is Excedrin, not giving them a plug just stating the facts, ma’am. What is absurd about Excedrin is all the different kinds they have on the shelf. They have migraine headache, tension headache, body and back, sinus, PM, extra strength, regular strength, you get the picture. My point  is that for the most part they have the same ingredients in all of them. The extra strength excedrin for headaches developed in 1960 has exactly the same ingredients as the 1998 Excedrin migraine, ain’t that a bitch? So I’m basically being offered a choice that isn’t really a choice because it really doesn’t matter to them. The government approved this bullshit, are you surprised? me neither..

Every day I read my timeline and catch bits and pieces of some angry rant about some sordid bullshit but I can never figure out exactly what is going on. I am perfectly content to “move along, the shows over” as the fat cop eating a Boston creme is apt to say, but it makes me wonder. I used to question sub tweets but I don’t give them a second thought, even if they were about me I wouldn’t say anything unless I had something funny to contribute to it. At my age a snappy comeback usually involves throwing a shoe and that doesn’t translate well for Twitter. Each day brings new topics and rehashes old ones. I think about writing tweets that are current and topical but that seems like something I should do, not something I want to do. The way I do Twitter is the way that is most fun for me, which is write whatever comes out of my head that smells funny. I have gone through many thought changes about all things relating to life and most important humor is the object of my affection, your humor and mine. I don’t give a rat’s nutsack about anything else. Follower counts, trophies,retweets, stars, etc are great but if we aren’t making each other laugh it’s pointless. I’ve got a year under my belt and other than a brief vacation (not a twittercide I just unfollowed everyone for a few weeks) I’ve been contributing to the best of my abilities. I want to write better, be funnier, and avoid getting burned out by shit that makes me angry. I admit to getting pissed off, I’m half Scottish so I’m a bit of a hothead, also I like whiskey but who the hell doesn’t?  Twitter has been good for me, I can come home from work, strip down to my boxers and relax for an hour or two. I’m not out running the streets, drunk driving, and singing Journey songs at the top of my lungs. I’ve grown and matured and you would never know this from my tweets, therin lies the beauty.

As for the erotic sheep poetry, I have written some and it’s hilarious but I won’t post it, I wouldn’t want you to get the wrong idea about me.

sheepishly yours,

Steve

I have at times been infused with a desire to create. I have no artistic ability to draw or paint so I try to paint with words. My writing skills are limited but I don’t let that stand in the way of doing it, nor should you. Communication is the goal of any writer and Twitter is a huge resource for many of us. Each of us has an opportunity to share a unique point of view whether it is what we believe in or not. There is a freedom on Twitter that is rare and for some it is unsettling, I choose to not focus on the unsettling part of it but it still affects me and my frame of mind.

I am not so removed from the character that tweets. I have a weird sense of humor but I don’t laugh at intentionally hurtful things. There has been an ongoing issue about a racist tweeting hate and unless he or she breaks the law there is nothing to stop them. Someone tweeting disgusting things is never good but it does show others what freedom means, good or bad, it’s important. I personally hate racism of any kind, I find no humor in it. I don’t care for retard jokes either since my step daughter has Down’s syndrome. I don’t unfollow anyone that tweets retard jokes because that’s their right. I make midget jokes and to a little person that is just as hurtful, I accept responsibility for that, it’s really no different.

I embrace the chance to communicate with people and share some laughs and ideas. I have not met a single one of you, yet I feel I know some of you like we are old friends. I choose to take that from Twitter and not dwell on the drama and negative stuff, too much of that in real life.

I have one last thing to say about the unfollow issue. I choose to believe that if I am following someone that is potentially ‘a bad person’ my ‘friend’ would DM me or question me in my timeline about it before just unfollowing me. It seems sad that this keeps happening and it makes me feel that there is more going on than someone hating someone’s tweets. I have over 6,000 followers and I’m following almost half of them so I can’t be cleaning up behind all of them, it’s not my job.

Thanks for listening!

Steve

It was many years ago that I discovered the amazing product called Spam. Beneath the shiny blue tin can held a glob of jelly covered pink meat in the exact shape of the can. As a curious child I found this to be an amazing thing. Of course I asked my mom what animal the Spam came from, in her motherly way she told me,”Just shut up and eat it, so I did. Many years have passed and I still don’t know what animal Spam comes from but it doesn’t concern me much because I won’t eat it. Actually the stuff I found amazing as a child I now find disgusting. Extreme hunger and or drunkeness is the only way that mysterious glob will find my mouth. The good thing is I have a choice whether I want to eat it or not, if someone offers it to me I can politely decline, that’s a wonderful thing.

On the other hand, there is another product called Spam that is harder to avoid. This type of Spam is not jellied meat but it is just as gross. This Spam came along in the past twenty years or so and it likes to reside inside my computer. I have spent hours and days, weeks and years trying to get rid of it but it just keeps coming back, more persistent than a Jehovah Witness. I really did try to fight the good fight, I deleted and I blocked, I ranted, raved, and unfortunately I finally caved. Though I would like to say I am winning the battle against the bandwidth stealing beast, I have no strength left to fight it. Since admitting defeat I figured I would have an easier time of it but I had no idea what a rude ride awaited me. Here’s what happened:

I decided that I would dive into the rushing waves of the Spam flood and try to examine just what they wanted of me. Maybe if I discovered exactly what was offered and maybe tried a few things the horror of it all would be less frightening and more tolerable. So today I decided to take the plunge, with 27 emails of the Spam variety to inspect I was ready.

The first one told me I could enlarge my penis, the second one told me I could add 2 cup sizes to my breasts. Right away I had a decision to make, the first one was more desireable of course since I’m a male but the second one was half the price. I guess I could order both and hope they combine shipping. The 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th, and 7th ones were all good opportunities to remortage my house. Since I don’t own a house this one is a bit tough to do, BUT.. #8 and #11 offer low rate home loans. I guess I need to buy the house first then come back to 3-7. Number 9 and 10 offer me a mini-spy cam that I can use to spy on my neighbors, install in a public restroom, or hide under the boss’s desk. I thought this one bordered on being illegal. Plus I don’t want to do any of those things, my neighbors are religious nuts, I don’t have the burning desire to watch people take a dump and there is nothing under my boss’s desk I wanna see, so that’s out. Number 13-26 were all pretty much the same, free porn sites. I quickly discovered that none of them were free and I got so many pop-ups that I forgot what I was looking for in the first place. I think if you were set to enjoy these so called free sites you would lose your erection before you got to something exciting. Fortunately number 12 is an order Viagra Online site so maybe you could then last long enough to get to a site that actually shows a naked picture of something besides a horse. Number 28 really put me over the top, GET YOUR BIBLE DEGREE ONLINE IN 6 WEEKS..

I took a moment to compose myself and tried to put it all together. OK here goes,

I order the bigger penis and bigger breasts, I buy a house, then remortage it 6 times. I join all the ‘free porn sites’ and discover the world of naked women and sheep. I make sure to order the Viagra so I can make the most of the $800.00 a month I’m spending on the ‘free sites’. And lastly, I order the bible course, get my degree, and preach the love of Jesus to the masses. That’s my plan, that’s today’s task. Tomorrow I will have another 27 Spam emails and there’s no telling what lies ahead. Just thinking about it makes me tired and a little hungry. That dusty can of Spam on the shelf doesn’t look so bad after all. Maybe if I fry it with bacon it will taste like ham, it sure looks like ham. Ah fuck it, I’m ordering a pizza.

I was not raised in a religious home so my thoughts of God were in the same category as the Easter bunny and Santa Claus but with scarier undertones. My best friends were all Catholics and they went to church all the time and I tagged along. The service was in Latin and there was alot of standing and sitting. I liked the stained glass windows. My friends were content with their religion and since they didn’t know any better it suited them. I did not have the desire to seek the divine until much later in life and when I did it was not what I expected. I started out in a Pentacostal church and in hindsight it wasn’t the right path for me and my family. After a few years I realized that there were things that ate at me, things about the church, things about the bible, and most importantly things about me. I left the church and never returned.

Everyone needs to find their own path that feels right to them. I learned to not judge anyone’s belief or lack of belief because it really has nothing to do with me and everything to do with the person. What we choose to have faith in is a personal decision and if you wish to share it you can but don’t try to convert anyone because it doesn’t work that way, I learned this myself.

My twisted path did lead me to start writing poetry for a few years which was a blessing for a few people like my late grandmother who always encouraged me to write. I didn’t find God as I expected but some good things happened along the way.